Sigh, I don't know what to feel about anything or anyone.


I just wanna say, don't worry, I'm not being led on. I'm not a victim. I understand what you're doing. 

Pursuit of Music

I want to play the piano now. It's 11.10pm :) Haha, people are going to kill me.

Pursuit of Sincerity

So close to reaching that famous happy end.

That song is really super super super amazingly nice.

Anyway, I want to talk about a few things. So here it goes :)

1) OAC. I just realised what a sensitive word it has become in my household ): I find myself trying my best not to tell people when I am taking time to do OAC stuff. And I understand. I really do. i understand how my parents are so worried when it comes to the safety aspect. I understand why everyone thinks it's taking a toll on my studies. I understand that it takes up a lot of time that I can't spend time with my family.

I understand, but I don't agree with it. Mostly regarding the studies thing. That is all me, it's not OAC, it's not MCS, it's just me and how lousy I am.

And maybe I haven't spent as much time with my family. And it's sad. And maybe along with all that there have been a bit of regret. But I know why I am doing everything. Because despite everything I love how the club makes me feel. I don't know what it is, and I don't like to talk about it, but there's just something about it. Like the softball feeling, but different at the same time.

Not saying, that I put the club over my family, because I don't. Family first, always. It's just certain things I cannot just let go because I feel it would be super irresponsible. Especially paired with the fact that I am ACI.

There's just some mixed feelings about being ACI.

1) I don't think I deserved it from the start.

2) I don't think the team thinks I deserved it.

So when you start accumulating these thoughts in your head, your self-esteem in the role just plummets.

But the wonderful thing about having a family is that they see the best in you when you don't even see any good in yourself. I remember my mami saying that she always knew i could do it, since primary school :) Which is sweet, but I didn't really believe. And ayah saying that it doesn't matter what I feel, or how confident I am, I have the role, now I just have to strive to do it to the best of my ability.

I don't know why the seniors (or whoever) chose me. I have this feeling it's just because they don't know where to put me. But ever since the encouragement and advice my parents gave me, I really have been trying. And sometimes no one can see that, and I'm fine with that. Even if i'm not, I'm going to be.

Because, like what I learnt last Thursday, it's all about sincerity.

I sincerely want to make a difference, and I'm going to try.

I see how much my teammates care, and all of them are so good in different ways. I couldn't have asked for a better team

2) Wicked - IT was just MINDBLOWINGLY awesome. Seriously. I was into it the whole time.

Haha, I realised I forgot everything I wanted to post about while I was pouring everything I feel out on the first point. Maybe when I remember, I will be back :)

Pursuit of Change

Firstly, I'm really starting to like The Script :)

Smiling, but we're close to tears.

It's just nice, I don't know why.

When things get shaky in school, studies, friends etc, it's nice to know that I will always have my family, my cousins and my good friends :)

I haven't had this much fun since I can't even remember when. This weekend, it was just like the old times, the cousins, and just being ourselves. Unafraid of being judged, unafraid of having as much fun as we can :) Eating as much as we want

I don't think any words can describe the love I have for them :)

When I am with them, I feel like some carefree kid again. And, to feel that, is just really rare nowadays when I have to consider other people. Because as you grow older you become more aware about the people around and hence less aware of yourself. You get so caught up thinking 'What is this person going to think about me?' That you neglect taking the time to step back and wonder:

'What do I think about me?'

This ultimately questions the person you are today. Are you genuinely proud of the person you have become.

Because, I can safely say I am not. How is it, I can be so confident of myself when I was younger. What has made it falter all these years?

I really think it is awareness. The awareness which comes when you realise you judge people, and this makes you paranoid, thinking that everyone is judging you.

This is not the way I want to live my life. I want to live my life for myself. For God. For my loved ones, and no one else.

AND THIS ULTIMATELY COMES BACK TO MY RESOLUTION:

To surround myself with people that make me happy or people that are happy to be with me :)

And it's hard, because sometimes these unhappy people are my friends, and more than anything I don't want them to be unhappy. But sometimes it's as if they are choosing to be. They choose to see worst in everything and I've tried my best to make them see otherwise, even when they are seeing the worst in me.

But if my efforts were futile, then so be it, because I have tried, I know I have. I don't have to prove it to anyone but myself.

I am going to come out of this a stronger person. I am going to come out of this the better person. This year, I will love the world and hopefully, in return, the world will love me :)

But I'll be happy with or without it :)

I was sad yesterday. But I walked it off. I had this urge to walk home after training, and I did. Despite being tired and everything. And it really worked. Towards the end of training, I just kept thinking of that one thing, and I was super distracted throughout the whole evaluation.

Overwhlemed. That's what I think I felt. And I just had this urge to cry everytime I think about it too much.

So I walked home. Even though it was nine plus and I was starting to feel my muscles ache after sports day and yesterday and the day's training. AND it was therapeutic.

I can do this. I really can. I can be the better person in this situation. And the only reason I can do it is because of the security I have provided by the people i love :)

I just need to stop thinking and continue being myself. Not caring what others think. Man, it was so much easier in softball. I miss it.

Pursuit of Success (Not Successful)

Sigh, you can't please everyone :)

Anyway, I got back most of my results and there are a lot of mixed feelings about them. But the one word I could think of would be, deserved.

For once, I genuinely studied for certain subjects (okay, maybe just physics, I really put in effort. and I guess maths was consistent effort because of cassim's mini test) and I tried not being stubborn and adopting certain learning styles which I have to say worked. It wasn't the biggest improvement and still far away from the best result, but it was an improvement, and I guess i'm quite :3

And the things I really didn't study for. Or studied for the night before, kinda showed in my results. I knew it was coming at me, seriously. Maybe, honestly speaking, I was a little hopeful that maybe it wouldn't be so ultra horrible. But it was, and I accept :)

Maybe I should have a new rule:

'Accept and don't expect.'

But then again, expecting kind of helped. This term I had certain expectations...different expectations for my results. I didn't want to just pass. I really wanted to do better. I wanted to be able to feel a sense of security even before moderation and for maths and physics, I sorta did. But chem was just. OMG. It was really that bad until it became funny for a while. I'm not even embarassed.

Onto lighter notes, I realise that if I listen to Haziq everyday, I would either get tricked by him, laugh at him or learn something new. HAHA, the cuteness of that boy.

And onto brigher notes, I think i'm finally feeling it again. That feeling I wanted to get when I joined OAC. The feeling similar to softball. The feeling of being in a team :) I hope it's not just me and the rest feel it too, but it's such a nice feeling. Okay, while the feeling of a team is there, the feeling is still different from softball. Hahahahaaaaaaa, maybe it's less secure here. For some reasons I can;t mention heh. Like I still have to filter and watch how I act, UNLIKE previously.

But I guess my filtering hasn't really worked. Sigh, but like I said, you can't please everyone :)

It's really about me, being happy. And me making other people happy (I wonder if this happens, I hope it does. Okay, at least it does for one person ahem HADI <3 ahem)

And I think we should stop doing this to Hadi, Azri might get jealous. But Azri should know, he is one of the people I take advice from seriously. Even though it's not ver often he gives advice, but when he does I really consider.

Different people mean different things to me, but I love them all <3

The world just seems like a bright place for me recently. I don't know why :) But, I'm really loving it.

Pursuit of Happiness

Being genuinely happy.

That is something that I can do, really. There are people I love being around and these people really make me happy. So that was my new year resolution this year.

'To always be around people who are happy to be with me. And to be around people who make me happy.'

Okay, right off the bat, maybe it does sound selfish. But it's been a really good lifestyle change for me. I make this concious effort to be around people who make me happy. And try to stay away from people who are not happy to be with me (based on things I notice) and I am really a much happier person.

Things I learnt from this.

1) When i get upset in school, hold it in, let it out at home. Sleep, TV, piano. De-stress and I feel better.

2) Don't emo around people. Because I notice when one person emos the people around him/her will start to emo too. They are afraid of being too happy when they are around sad people. It's just insensitive you know to be happy when your friend is sad, and i don't like being in that situation. So to avoid others from being in that situation, I'm going to be happy and try not to publicly emo :)

3) There are just people who are good for your life, who make you happy when you are saddest. But there are also these toxic kind of people (wow, sounds so fierce) who can make you sad even when you are at your happiest. Stay away from these people, but if they are your friends, then just get unaffected by it :) You love them, you want to make them happy. But if you cant no matter how hard you try, just know that you did your best, and move on :)

Okay so just some life lessons I learnt from this new year resolution.

My other resolution was not to whine. HAHA, evidently, its not working.

I whine like almost every period of everyday.

IT WILL CHANGE :)

And lastly, I am so proud of Hadi. He found something he became really passionate in. Tried his best and got into finals. Tried harder and got last place among finals, but still, so proud for not letting it discourage him. i should be more like him.

I just wrote a post full of discreet flaming. But im not going to post that. Because I am not that kind of person. Because ive summed up how i felt.

'I hate how you make me feel so insecure.'

You have no idea how unhappy you make me sometimes. You think it's really a one way thing, but while i try not to feel this way, the feeling can be mutual.

I hate how you say you hate being judged. Everybody hates being judged. But you have to stop giving out judgements, seriously. Constructive criticism.

I keep re-writing and re-writing this post, because i know the general outline of it. But nothing I write is the way I intend it to sound.

So i'm going to start again, this is my third time trying.

First, the feeling of being second best. Not really BEING second best. But feeling that way. It's like feeling everyone prefers someone else over you and there's no way you can be anyone's favourite. It's not like wanting a boyfriend or anything, it is really to be ANYONE's priority at this moment. Because from the way I see it,, there's no one that would choose me if a given another choice. And that just leaves you insecure in the weirdest ways.

Insecurity.

There's another big deal. I never know why this came to be an issue for me. It all started in TJ, and I want to blame one person, and I want to blame this person so bad but I know I can't. Because there will always be people who undermine you and make you feel like your opinions DONT MATTER and that the person's opinion is always better. But you see, it's not her fault, but it's mine for LOSING confidence everytime she undermines me. EVERY single time her opinions sometimes rash and not fully thought out gets an agreement of someone, JUST ONE PERSON, over mine, I will lose faith in my idea.

And for this, I may always bear a grudge because it makes me HATE who I have become. I have become this push-over that everyone thinks won't stand up for anything. And this is because I don't have faith in my ideas, so why would people.

And i know, i know, that i HAVE generated good ideas. But why won't I stand up for them.

It's because of all this people tearing me down. But I cannot blame them for attacking, I blame myself for being defenseless. For not having enough confidence to shield myself from these words of discouragement.

And then that is where I gave birth to the mission of being liked by everyone over my own happiness.

And this would be okay and all, if it didnt mean thinking that every single one of them is better than me. And that it's not worth it to fight what i stand for.

So, no, starting tomorrow, YOU will not push me around. I cannot do this. No one should push me around. And I don't deserve it and now I know it, because the one person who tore me down the most tells me to stand up for myself. If he, who saw so much flaw in me, believes I still have something to stand up for, then it really must be so :)

And to this person, I want to say that I love you so much :) You may not be perfect yourself, but you saw that I was not perfect but you told me that I deserved better. And for that, and for being the most protective person I know, I love you really.

-To be continued.

Someone like you is a super sad song. On another note, I will be updating my blog later :) No one reads this but me, its makes me happy :)

Just a breather from exam preparations. actually ive been taking a really long break. and these are just a few things i would like to say about exams.

1) they bring out the worse in people. people become self centered and calculative. you cant really blame them, because from young we have been mechanized to feel bad if we do badly. and really you cant change this. you do badly, you get scolded. you do badly you get accused of not working hard enough. and the list goes on, nothing good happens from doing badly, so people try their best not to do badly.

but to the extent of being irritating sometimes. oh well, its just the time of year again.

2) that awkwardness when you do well and someone didnt. OKAY, this has never really happened to me except on one or two occasions, BUT, i know the feeling. and it sucks.

3) comapring answers after the paper. the worse worse worse part of exams. SERIOUSLY. i hate hate hate this part of exams. i really just wanna cry sometimes.

4) AND now something ive been thinking of for a while. COMFORT mechanisms. oh this is the worst really. sometimes you put in the time and you put in the effort and you dont perform as well as you like to. some people who put in less time and less effort get the same mediocre results and they comfort themselves by saying 'Oh, i would probably have gotten higher than her if i had worked harder than her.' WELL, this makes me feel like shit honestly, but theres nothing i can do but accept the fact that it is so ):

5) results. the most heart wrenching part of exams.

but exams, like every other challenge brings great joy and comfort in knowing who truly cares for you :) and that, is really priceless :) those who spur you on and not COMPETE with you, well you know they really care and i couldnt ask for better friends.

oh and i whine a lot during exams to ): brings out the worse in me too i guess.

Dear God,

I pray for strength for the next few days, not just for me, but for my friends as well. In fact, everyone through a hard time, ease their pain for them.

Alhamdulillah for all the things that I have been granted :) I believe that there is a reason for everything :)

Affected

Affected.

That sums up everthing I feel now.
Affected by the small things, affected by the big things.
Affected by the inevitable, affected by the controllable.
Affected by the failures, affected by the glory.

But being affected, allowing my feelings to just sway with natural reaction, well, that's tiring. It's just really really tiring.

Judgements.

Passing them, and yet being on the receiving end. It's natural to judge, but when someone hates judgements, they should not pass them anywhere else but their own heads. It would save the world a lot of chaos.

Jealousy.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. From the Sunscreen song. But the song does not address those who are always behind.

Calmness.

Five seconds of calmness is hard to come by.

Hypocrites.

Just not worth the time and effort. And especially, not worth the emotion. But it's natural to feel, so be sad, be angry for five minutes, than remember, this is still your life. We were put on this earth to love and care for another, the existence of hate is extremely redundant.

Okay, weird post with words in it, but these just sum up everything. Without relation to specific examples, this is genuinely what i'm experiencing, and i'm getting tired. More and more tired of worrying and caring about what other people think. I'm tired of getting panic attacks thinking about exams.

a few things have been eating my brain up. okay, thats just a phrase that means these are the things that i have been thinking about.

1) Results: I'm settling. im not trying and im not achieveing anything. HOW long will i be able to comfort myself with the words 'You're not trying your hardest, and for average effort, average results are enough.' THIS is essentially whats wrong with me. I may put in the time, but during that time, if minimal work was achieved, then i dont see the use. so its time to change, for real this time.

because as unaffected as i am about the results itself, these are the few things that do affect me:

1) Disappointing my parents - sad part is that they dont get irrationally furious, so i cant blame them for anything. they are being perfectly reasonable so i have no reason to be angry at them, and i cant help but feel that i keep disappointing them, ESP if we look into the fact that 1) nadh's in medicine and azri got into adm because of his freaking awesome talent. where do i fit in with all these successful people.

2) Disappointing my tutors, especially for chem and maths. when ms liew asked me what went wrong i couldnt help but just cry, they really tried to help me and i just threw it all away ): and as for maths, its a whole different story ): im not saying im okay with my physics and geog, but chem and maths were horrible ):

3) The embarassment - everyone i know is doing so well and then theres me ):

all this talk about results has motivated me to study. this is why blogging > facebook :)

Who do you think you are, running round leaving scars ):

hahaha, listening to this now, it feels apt for some reason, i know who i would direct it to, but yeah, im not going to say ): and its not a dude, and it has nothing to do with what the song is actually talking about, but the tone and the feeling is the same i guess.

i realised i forgot how to blog, for some reason im typing frantically, like im scared im going to lose my thoughts or something. maybe its that or maybe its just that recently ive been panicky in general. i get panic attacks thinking about:

1) JCTs
2) My fitness - after malaysia, its going down like nobodys buisness, and ive been eating nonstop.
3) Faith - in need of recharging i guess.

okay and there's this other thing that bugs me. its my insecurity around people. not all people, just some people. its like i never know whether im wanted there or not. the only people who i can feel comfortable like fully fully comfortable, would be my family, cousins and some friends.

haha, im going to emphasize on the cousins bit, because seriously, i have no words to describe how awesome they are. while i was in KL, it was seriously carefree. EVEN after giving riqa one of the biggest, MOST WTTY insult ever, she can still laugh about it :) HAHA, it was mean, but it was funny and i love her and everyone for that.

what i would do to be that secure all the time :) but too bad, life goes on.

next bit, you know how i always say im aimless and i havent found my interest yet. well, i think ive always been interested in something but ive never really realised it until i was motivated to read a book on it that other people may deem dry. and here i am LOOKING forward to the end of jcts so i can read that book.

but i dont know how this interest might translate into a career path. its the kind of thing where i would try to squeeze into a conversation with ayah to see what he thinks.

speaking of which, its fathers day tomorrow and theres a million of things i would like to say to ayah. haha despite his lameness, he is really the best father anyone could ask for. the things he has done for me are like countless, whether its fetching me or sending me or giving me advice, he is just always there.

so yeah, i count my blessings, syukur alhamdulillah i have a father like ayah :)

feeling a bit down now ):

things that are getting me down now:

1) PW, i honestly think i am the most unsuited in my group to be the leader. everything is just so screwed up now, and mostly because of me. im not organizing things well. and i finally realised that meetings online dont work.

2) i just feel disorganized ): everything is everywhere, everything is half complete. and there are problems im just running away from ):

3) this is whats keeping me down the most. i dont understand how come a person i care about so much is doing something so stupid. okay, i feel its stupid. i respect him and love him, and this wont change, but right now im disappointed at what he's doing, and sad for why and how he's doing it. and right now, after missing him for quite sometime, he came back different. its like everything i missed about him wasnt there ): right now, he's so miserable and sad that i get miserable and sad just looking at him. and i wanna do something to help, but im not in the position anymore ):

okay, so i hope youre safe out there and know that i care :)

doubt anyone reads this anymore, anyway, i was on the mrt (falling asleep) UNTIL it went to Iridescent by linkin park, and it was kinda cool, cause sometimes you just feel what they are singing, and i so totally did.

Do you feel cold and lost with desperation,
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known,
Remember all the sadness and frustration,
and let it go.

im going to be honest, the minute i thought about this, i thought about chemistry because its true. especially in last year's promo, i thought that i could finally finally pass chem, and in the end i failed so badly it was stupid.

it was so bad i didint even wanna take chem anymore, and i thought, what makes me think that if i couldnt do it last year, i could do it this year. then i realised i actually like chem, and im not gonna just drop it because of last year. ESPECIALLY last year where i was so caught up in stupidity.

and this year, i see myself SOMEWHAT falling into the same trap, so im gonna stop myself here (point of realization).

:)

but after i thought about chem (FOR quite long actually, paya lebar to city hall) i started to think about all my other subject, ALL were slipping. ESP MATHS, i am so not motivated to do anything for maths, seriously.

why am i like this? i can see ayah and mami leaning to blame oac for taking up too much of my time, but i KNOW its not true. because even when i have the time i slack. even when i have the energy i slack. theres just something wrong with me, seriously. what happened, i wouldnt know for sure.

anyway, im gna go off now ):

shit, i just realised the less i blog the more disorganized i feel and usually after i blog there's this finality which means after this im gna go study (unlike facebook, suuucks)

so blog i love you :)

okay, yesterday my parents were talking about possible careers i could go for. and i dont know, i realise there's this tendency for me to romanticize ideas and interests that i have and it turns out im not really interested in that area, it would just be really cool if i were. do you geddit, haha, its hard to put into words.

like it would be really cool if i could be an engineer. like im attracted to the idea of me being an engineer but im not really interested in engineering.

so i havent really found my interests yet (except for granite landforms, so freaking cool)

so when i think about my future i have no one idea pinned down for me. i have a million and one, but none of them really really have my interest because at this point i dont even know what im interested in.

all i know is that i wanna live in a house with a nice garden (like the house behind our house). i want it to be spacious with LIMITED furniture (unlike our house) and i wanna have a basketball hoop somewhere (it was damn fun when we had it at our house). and theres a million and one more things i want but it would be embarassing to put here cause no one would expect it from me :)

--

NEXT POINT: i was looking through pictures from our childhood. and i realised we (relatives and myself) were genuinely genuinely happy. like even though we look downright retarded in some, we were all smiling non-stop. I LOVE IT, and it makes me sad that i may never be that happy and carefree again, why did we have to grow up.

TWO weeks since i last posted, thats a lot. never thought i would neglect blogging for facebook. there's still this something about writing down everything that seems to appeal to me :) haha, its not that i like to talk about myself, its more of sitting down and thinking over your life. so theres been a few things on my mind.actually more than a few, i mean its been two weeks, a lot can happen in two weeks.

so im starting with:

1) OAC. people think its hell, and sometimes it really feels like it. and then they go all 'why you join?' and its a really long story, so im jsut gonna write it all out.

in sec one and two i was in an awesome cca, where EVEN though it was hell-ish, all of us stuck around. and we did it because of each other. when we all joked about quitting it wasnt just one person quitting, when we talked about quitting, we talked about quitting together, as a team. even though it never happened, that was how close we all were. and im not sure if the feeling's mutual throughout, but i swear, i loved my team. and when there are times i regret coming to TA, most of it would be because of the secure, safe group of friends i have there and doing something that was FREAKING COOL. im not gonna lie, i kinda sucked BIG TIME at it, but theres still no feeling like throwing :) and musle aches.

basically it was a huge part of my life. the cca was four times a week, i see/talk to the people almost the whole day, so obviously when something that big was taken away from me, i would feel the significance. it was sort of like this empty space (NOT EMO). so i hated this unfufillingness (and i was becoming SUPER unfit)

so after much procrastination, i joined oac, in HOPE that the same feeling would come back. and right now, its kinda early to tell, but im definitely feeling better :)

2) PW. PW really sucks, to be honest, i didnt know what to expect despite the seniors warning us non-stop how sucky it would be. i always thought it wouldnt be that bad. GUESS WHAT, its worse ):

3) MCS Camp, theres something about sleeping in school that is just really nice. its really different from being in school in the morning. at 1am the school is super peaceful and theres jsut this serenity you cant help but feel. even if yorue in a big group of people when youre on the track, you look up in the sky, and you CAN ACTUALLY SEE STARS, you just cant help but feel this overwhelming sense of peace come over you.

aside from that, it was good company. haha, got to know some of the j1 mcs people more :)

4) LAST POINT, i feel really disorganized and a bit detached lately. so as usual i go through my archives and i just cant help but notice when i started changing. and only i would know what happened at that point of time. and im quite disappointed in myself and i wonder if i will ever change back ):

sometimes i dont know how to start my blogposts, and i realise it actually doesnt matter. hahahahaha.

okay firstly, i had a nice dream a few months back. it involved me, the people i truly truly loved, a white house on a hill. and you have no idea what i would do to make that reality. the peace i felt was just amazing :)

--

on another note, im starting to think im genuinely dense ): and it doesnt help that i get de-motivated so easily like once i cant do a question it just throws off my mood. i want to be better, but nothing is helping, NOTHING. and theres morning training tmrw, usually im like indifferent, but i feel really scared now.

Desperado

I think that these past few days have been pretty awesome, and just now things became kazillion times better. IT WAS SO SMALL, yet it made my day :) I LOVE READING TOO MUCH INTO THINGS for now. Because later i'll find out it isnt true and emo nemo, but for now i'm just :DDD

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO WISHED ME BY THE WAY. YOU ALL MAKE ME FEEL SO LOVED :)

It's almost 3, i just spent an unreasonable amount of time on one question ):

anyway, this week was just a whole lot of ups and downs:

DOWNs:

my run on wednesday could not be any shittier wth. seriously, i have never been this disappointed in myself, okay, wrong, ive been this disappointed in myself before. i dont know what came over me ):

i freaking rambled for my gp essay. sometimes after an essay you just know what you did wrong, and this time i just knew the minute i started writing that it was shit.

im not behind in tutorials, but im leaving a lot of blanks D: like not even one or two, like the whole of mcq that kind ):

im starting to feel insecure again ):

im being very affected by small things.

i keep eating a whole hell-lot.

today after pe there was a chance of playing softball, but they kept the equipment really early ):

MY PI, was shit.

UPs:

I GOT OVER THE FREAKING WALL :):):)

SIMPLE PLAN MAKES CLASSES FUN :):):) SERIOUSLY, OMG, ive never had so much fun in maths before. and i was still paying attention. hahahahahah. seriously, eating pringles, KL calculator and much much more.

so yeah, it seems like its not balanced, but im fine with it :)

--

it's 8 april. i miss him, really really really bad. and there's something about this year that makes it worse, like he wouldnt be proud of me. but is it weird, that i think he still cares, like even if he is disappointed, he still wants the best for me.

maybe its my imagination, but wouldnt it be awesome if it werent :)

sometimes you need these little things i guess. to constantly keep you going.

--

okay, that aside, i really dont understand some things. this is not the first time ):

--

on a lighter note, i drank coffee for the first time today, and guess what, i dont like it. hahahaha. i still cant get over the smell ):

my birthday's coming up :) hahahaha, its kind of shameless to say that but it's okay cause

1) no one reads this
2) i think the way i hinted to everyone else was a million times more shameless than this pathetic statement. teeeheee, i really surprised myself with how shameless I am :)

ANYWAYS, so these are the things i really want for my birthday

1) world peace :)
2) self-discipline
3) guidance from God because i really have no clue what im doing
4) love from my loved ones
5) forgiveness from God

seems cheesy and cliche, but these are really the things i need right now ):

especially number 3, im feeling more grounded but now that i am, its causing me to evaluate my life. before this it was just airy fairy with no worries, now i actually have to think things through to move forward and its hard. what is really important?

for me especially ): and some things jsut dont help the situation ):

today was aeroplane-less ):

It's one of those nights where everything bad, all the negative feelings, EVERYTHING just starts to gush in. i dont know if its the loneliness of the night or knowing that even if it werent night time there's no one anymore. so here it goes, i just need to let it out.

1) Biasedness, OPEN biasedness, people acting annoyed and everything is seriously irritating the crap out of me. and the worse part is, i care so much more. and THE worst part is, i still do. and i dont think this person would ever care, so whatever, seriously.

2) i have a limit, and today, i reached it. okay, people can go on and on and on and never stop, but one day, i will seriously flip and it would make today's reaction seem like nothing, because despite everything, knowing everyone, it will never stop.

3) Seriously, youve done worse, so this sorta gets me more annoyed.

4) i am sad for someone, i am sad that you are sad. but you just did something i would never approve of ): i know you, and i know youre sad when i see it. deny it all you want, but even if sadness is not the feeling, i think its uneasiness. whatever youre feeling sad/uneasy about, i wish i could tell you that you can talk to me, but it would be beyond weird.

5) i seriously miss talking to you ): but i know its not mutual. and even if it was, theres someone else to fill that weird void for you, im practically telling my problems to a wall.

6) sometimes i feel that the world doesnt wanna listen to my problems, sometimes (most of the times) i feel like im burdening the other person with my problems. but thats just a vibe i get, and i will stop the minute i get the vibe, so i need reassurance. and for some reason the people i count on for reassurance cant give me this anymore.

7) because im a bad choice and apparently deserve to be shot, that's fine with me. but once in a while, it would be nice not to you know?


and all i need/want right now is to be somebody, ANYBODY's priority. i know its selfish, i know its lame, i know im insecure.

BUT really, why do you think that's so?

(PS, if you think its about you, dont. just dont. if you think its about anybody, then youre judgemental. because sometimes, you think you know and you form this impression of that person in your head, and its a bad one it would be my fault. so save that person some benefit of the doubt, its probably not him/her anyway. no use having bad impressions for no reason seriously, thats like PARTLY why im freaking emo nemoing under a rock. AND its about different people in different situations, not just at home or outside)

i hate this i hate this i hate this.

I've been biding time with the crows and sparrows,
While peacocks prance and strut across the stage.
If finding love is just a dance,
Proximity and chance,
You will excuse me if I skip the masqueraaade.

Oh god, after realising how awesome this stanza is, i fell back in love with the song. why why why? because i swear i know what he is talking about. i know what the whole song is talking about. talk about story of my life :)

okay maybe i think i know what the whole song is talking about. but this is really what makes awesome lyrics, something other people can relate to.

today was rather awesome, as in i felt accomplished cause i managed to sit myself down and do SOME work :) which is a huge accomplishment for me. then i started brainstorming for PI, which meant i had to on my laptop which meant i had to go on facebook which meant i had to go to youtube. and its a gross vicious cycle ):

BUT STILL hahahahahahaha :)

i wish i were better at making friends. and i wish i could make friends with everybody and not feel uncomfortable around guys (which is still true, even after 2 years in a mixed school). i think its cause ive seen how guys talk about other people when theyre together, WOW, they have no mercy i swear. LIKE SO KESIAN THE PERSON. and im constantly thinking about how to avoid this.

haha, but im fine with those i know quite well, like some of the TA guys. hahahahahaha.

IM HUNGREH. night :D

i like how my life is a closed book :) like how people only know certain pages or chapters but they would never know the whole thing no matter how well they know me. but sometimes, you just need to tell people things. and sometimes it just comes out as this WAVE of telling that you just cant stop yourself.

but it feels nice to have it in the open, just hoping it doesnt go more open that this :)

so far life has been full of ambition, everytime i have an elaborate plan on how to stay on top of work. but it fails miserably. WHY am i like this, seriously ):

On the other hand the other day i couldnt sleep for no particular reason. So i told my dad, you know, that i couldnt sleep. And he actually remembered why i couldnt sleep the last time i couldnt sleep and asked me if it was the same reason. and i dont know, but the fact that he remembered just makes me feel loved.

haha, im blessed with lots of things, but sometimes, i cant help but feel lonely. but God has been kind to me, in so many ways. and i am beyond grateful :)

OKAY, this may seem really random but it was triggered by a bunch of stuff. okay actually just one thing and i realise i use the word trigger a lot. hahahahaha. okay anyway, i just made a decision.

I WILL MARRY A JAPANESE MAN, teehee. all because of one boy. i saw this cute little boy at the playground today, hahaha, im not a paedophile, wait for it. he was so adorbale but you could tell that he was mixed because he was tanned, had curly hair, and some not very japanese features. but still overall, you could tell he was japanese.

ANYWAY, he was so sweet and adorable and was giggling non-stop. THEREFORE i want to marry a japanese man and have a baby like that LOL. AND OMG HE HAD THE CUTEST NAME EVVVVAR. LOL, wait for it, wait for it. TOSHI. hahaha. SO ADORABLE, I CANT STAND IT :) i will contribute the tan and curly hair the rest of the features will come from the japanese man. haha, awesome possum.

but actually it may be a lot of work, cause

1) Language barrier ):
2) I have to lose weight cause most japanese men are like skinny or small sized and i would feel so insecure and fat all the time if my husband is skinnier than me.
3) Japanese man doesnt want me ):

and there should be many many more. haha, its just too much work. FINE, i wont marry a japanese man ):

HAHA, okay that was just really random.

ASIDE from that, ive been very nostalgic lately. i miss my old life. not tkgs life (though that was fricking awesome), but like my childhood. hahahaha me and abang were reminscing times before merger of the older ones and riot squad. those were good times :) i just missed the old everything ):

haha, today was a good day. felt like a pig though after coming back from school. all i did was sleep, piano, guitar, tv, sleep, eat. in that order. NO SHIT.

but school part was fun. seriously, wheres my self discipline.

i feel like waking up early tmrw to run, but now im FRICKING scared because of that STUPID incident which no one believed ):

IT HAPPENED OKAY, i know its hard for some of you (azri, hadi and rizuan) to believe that someone followed me, yeah of all people me, but it happened i swear. i used to think i have immunity cause im like not hot, BUT APPARENTLY THEYRE SO DESPERATE THEY FOLLOW ANYONE. and EVEN though people say its PARANOIA. its not, when they walk ahead of you and walk straight so you make a turn and the person actually walked back and made the turn also.

DAMNIT CREEPY. ruin my happy running feeling DAMN YOU.

even if i am being paranoid (WHICH IM TOTALLY NOT BECAUSE WHO DOES THAT D:), its really not my fault, i could have been kidnapped or killed or something. SO, i was just trying to be safe when i made the last turn and sprinted like nobody's buisness.

I NEEDZ BODYGUARD SLASH MORNING RUNNING PARTNER. it would be awesome if it could be hugh jackman :)

):

okay, this was an awesome possum weekend, the kind of weekend where youre so high on fun, you dont remember anything. like all the jokes you were laughing at, you really cant remember.

so all was well,

till two seconds ago. haha, everyone stopped talking to me at that time, so i cant tell them what happened and just vent (not in an angry way).

ARGH, emo nemo now under a rock, seriously. imma sleep ):

I love muhammad ali's confidence. SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY.

“If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.”

Awesome much, i wanna be this confident in something. oh sad face. i've been so hungry and tired lately. sad face again. but more work is being done than last week. (THE LEARNING CURVE IS STILL NOT STEEP, BUT STEEPER. cause anything is better than zero right, RIGHT).

im always super lame and high in the middle of the night, but no one is here to layan all this ):

NO ONE READS THIS SO:

I AM SO FAT FAT FAT. SO FREAKING FAT FAT FAT. I WAS LOOKING THROUGH MY PICTURES AND I WAS LIKE ZOMGGGGG, so fat ):

i wanna be fit again. like softball fit ):

azri says this is why i cant get a boyfriend. BUT PLEASE, even if i lose weight and the only reason the guy likes me is because i am skinny i dont want him because what if my weight goes up again. and he'll be all grossed out ):

BUT I DONT LIKE FEELING FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.

i love hugh jackman ):

the school is so condusive when you're completely alone because everyone else left at ten :)

anyway, today was kind of chillax-ish. mainly because we only had chem practical. i think ms liew is always disappointed in me. i dont blame her ): i really need to catch up on chemistry. theres something about it which is like i know and yet i dont know.

ASIDE from that, i miss malay class. seriously. i miss all the nonsense, and the scheming. where our great plans of asking questions only worked like once, maximum twice. but the planning was REALLY hilarious. we had to plan a question whcih could last the whole lesson.

so now malay is all over, and i never really got around to accepting my grade. was i okay with it? yeah. haha, was i hoping for better, SURE, why not. i really thought i improved, but its okay, cause i maintained.

there's really no aim in this post, im just rambling.

LAST: LION KING IS STILL AWESOMEZXZ.

i cannot stop thinking about the march holidays and the countless of impossible things that could happen.

ASIDE FROM THAT. WHATTHEBALLS, LIONKING THE MUSICAL IS SERIOUSLY KING KAMAEHAMAEHA AWESOME.

seriously, seriously, it was like some childhood dream. LION KING being my all time favourite movie (REFER TO PREVIOUS POST LIKE SOMEWHERE LAST YEAR), watching it on stage was just AMAZEBALLS. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOURE FAMILIAR WITH MORE THAN HALF THE SCRIPT.

and this is not the kind of thign where azri says i like every movie/production i go to. i actually dont, but think about, if someone insulted my movie, i'd be sad. BUT ANYWAY, LION KING was seriously beyond awesome. i dont know if it was nostalgia, or the heart of the whole production or the awesomeness of the actors, but something about it just TOUCHED ME. LOLLOL. not in the weird way, ahahahaha.

maybe watching all disney movies do this to me. BRINGS me back to awesome times, before everyone else was born. HAHA, kidding, a bit. LOL. anyway, it reminded me of the time we lived in KL. people think its impossible for me to remember. BUT i remember it super clearly.

we lived in villa flora, we had an awesome view from the balcony. i remember seeing a rainbow once. and then i only had one favourite toy. hahaha, it was this weird baby called Baby all Gone which drinks milk and eats things. haha, i pushed it around on this purple stroller thing. then then, i remember sitting in front of the tv watching baja hitam in the evening and watching and rewatching lady and the tramp.

and there was lion king. which was awesome.

BUT also, there was school. i cried everyday before school. i think on some days i didnt go to school cause i really didnt want to. and i used to not be able to sleep without holding someone's finger.

ALL this just sums up this seemingly IDEAL part of my childhood :)

and i miss it waaaaay too much. if we go to that building and enter the same house and go to the same balcony. i think i would cry. because everything about that place just SCREAMS a better, easier life.

why did we have to grow up ):

--

ASIDE from that, im super super super super super super disappointed ):

What do i say when it's all over, sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Robbie Rosen is out. should have appreciated him more. OH WELL.

BUT ASIDE FROM THAT,

i wanna be better. i wanna be better. i wanna be better.

i wanna stop getting distracted at everything that moves around me.
i wanna think more with my head.
i wanna stop being such a pushover.
i wanna be fitter.
i wanna be smarter.
i wanna be nicer.
i wanna not be so rash.
i wanna be able to talk ________________.
i wanna stop drifting into my own thoughts when people are talking to me.

i wanna be AWESOME.

BUT ASIDE FROM THAT, hadi's back :) TEEHEE, missed him didnt know he had so much impact on my life until i went home and realised i had no one to sing to ):

Today was fun, but productivity was minimal work-wise.

im thinking of resorting to coffee, but i've never drank any and sometimes (most of the times) i dont like the smell. it smells bitter. as in, it would smell as if it would taste bitter, you know?

you probably dont, i think im the only weirdo who can come up with crap like this.

anyway, it's 5:21 in the morning, im going to head off to school soon, which is like MEH, minus the fact that i have a SHITload of tutorials i need to do.

MEEEEEEEH, hate JC life.

VOHDEKAY, life has been treating me fairly well, minus all the hw and shit. BUT, fairly well STILL.

OKOK, one thing at a time.

1) Waiting in the Weeds, damnit, i really love this song. LIKE SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY. eagles have always been in my playlist for easy listening, because they're just so calm and awesome in their own way. BUT recently i have been searching for this song regardless of my mood. these past few days, i have literally looked for this song to listen to it before my playslit shuffles and goes to a random song.

and the thing is, i dont even know the song that well, like you can sing to the chorus and i dont find the need to sing with the rest of the song, i just wanna listen to it :) i cant remember feeling like this about a song. haha, actually i can, the last song was She's Always a Woman - Billy Joel (love him too)

im quite sure this will die down, but that only means that i would be even happier and pleasantly surprised when it comes on unintentionally :) like how when old mcfly songs or OLD simple plan songs or old good charlotte songs randomly play.

i dont know why im blogging about this, it's totally insignificant to anything. HAHA.

2) AMERICAN IDOLLLL. okay, i told myself i wouldnt follow it this season. but seriously, steven tyler. OMG _______ a duck, and see what hatches. HE IS HILARIOUS. andandand, there's scott mccreery. who is like super nice and has such a freaking awesome manly voice. so low, and just MANLEEHHHH.

and he's super nice. stupid HIJANAH lied to me, told me he got out. BUT, seriously this season is like enjoyable. and SO MANY TALENTED PEOPLE. azri's going to say i say this every year, but i honestly think this year has more variety. and WOW at the number of country song kind of people. im like ok-ok with country but recently with eagles and scott and josh turner, teehee, WOW.

3) OAC camp, haha this was fun, but im just constantly questioning my social skills. THEY REALLY SUCK I THINK. like i wanna make friends with everyone, but i think i find it hard. LOL. but it was really FUN and TIRING = FIRING. even though i left halfway cause of mami's birthday :) which i would talk about later. BUT, i just hope oac is FINALLY the right choice for me. things are looking good, with the help of quek, and i really really really hope this is what ive been looking for. and no more wasting time. i just gotta stick to it.

4) MAMI'S BIRTHDAY. my family is just too funny, i swear. we all can be mean and gang up against one another, but they're just freaking hilarious.

5) okay this is the part of my life that isnt going so well, i think im going to make it very clear: i am not taking sides :) you guys have been awesome and nice to me when things were hard, and im not going to throw it away. so yeah, TOO BAD. youre all awesome.

6) why am i so inconsequential? STUPID AZRI, using this stupid word now i cant get it out of my stupid brain. TSK.

7) are the A Level results really coming out this Friday? Isn't that fast?

OKAY, im done, this is all i have to say for now :)

And I've been waiting in the weeds
Waiting for my time to come around again and
Hope is floating on the breeze
Carrying my soul high up above the ground and
I've been keepin' to myself
Knowin' that the seasons are slowly changing
Even though you're with somebody else
He'll never love you like I do.

BAAAALLS, i really love this song.

Omg, i just cringed at my blog post.

'Eagles sound way better life.'

WTSHIT. i must have been damn sleepy.

Eagles :)

eagles sound waaaay better life. their harmonies are seriously MINDBLOWING.

and while i only knew like one album (TEEEHEE, their best one) it was still fun, now im trying to look for the songs i didnt know before, like Waiting in the Weeds. i had to type out the lyrics i actually remembered from the concert itself.

and and and, joe walsh is CRAAAZY man.

oh yeah, and i really like waiting in the weeds, the song, not the activity. omg, im being super lame.

ANYWAY, these past few days have been manageable. with all the things that have been going on, i still manage to sneak in random moments of happiness :) thanks for the people who helped me, even though i am so sure you didnt even know it. made my days awesome :)

i honestly have NOTHING to blog about.

OH wait, I remember. we went to a religious talk on the relevance of islam in modern day and there were a few interesting things that i picked out.

'Rigidity breeds hipocrisy' (haha, i wouldnt know, but SOME people do)

'People buy things thay dont need, with moeny they dont, have to impress people they dont know' (i dont find this particularly true. i can relate to it in a non-money way.)

and the last one kinda hit me hard. it was something we all knew all along and yet fail to constantly remind ourselves. what i was reminded of is that, the world, the life we're living now, its not really life. i dont know how to put it. its just an insignificant fraction of our lives which will be determined you know, after we die. so, why do i get caught up in things that will only lead me to do things that arent important and would not be significant with life as a whole ):

im a bad person ):

and no, its not the kind of thing i say where i expect people to convince me im not. im just being brutally brutally honest.

i dont understand why i dont do certain things even though i know i should.

anyway, i highly doubt people got this far in the post.

--

okay, im not being totally honest to a lot of people. but like i said, i hardly tell anyone EVERYTHING about my lfie anymore. its just weird.

--

oh and theres a very nice smiley face on my tagboard. thanks :)

STOP! In the name of love.

OKAY, i am having a mediocre day. MEH. actually im lying, today was weird.

TAKE AWAY THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL

okay, so i survived last week, where i was practically waking up everyday and just...

nevermind, things are better now that ive talked them out. seriously, when you really dont know what to do, go to your parents. you wont regret it because all they want is the best for you. damn, that sounds so cliche.

but it still comes back to me sometimes and i just get so frustrated and i really wanna burst out crying. but aside from that, im almost back.

but not without another burdening thought. but its okay, its not that bad.

AND my comic relief so far has got to be american idol, you gotta love it seriously. steven tyler is awesomely hilarious.

I need time before things go back to normal :) But till then, im just trying my best and im sorry if ive been distant lately. You will not believe what has been on my mind.

:)

i love my parents, no question about that :) the things they are willing to do for me just amazes me. whether its just making me feel better or driving six hours to malaysia just because i felt like meeting riqa.

i love them, i swear.

aside from that, i feel horrible.

I should not be so mean. Haha, my life started this year, and so far, i think ive been pretty much in control :)

i miss my dreams. not ambition kind of dreams, but the sleep kind of dreams. i used to look forward to them. somewhere last year i was blessed with the nicest dreams anyone could ask for. the peace and calmness i felt could not be described, hence the lack of a description.

okay, sure i've had some rough dreams these past few years, the kind of dream i wake up with a jerk. the kind of dream which could make me cry. like dreaming that a loved one passed away. that could have been the scariest dream ever. waking up and realising that it wasnt true, would also be the best feeling ever. the relief is just really really massive.

so feeling those two extreme emotions in a matter of seconds, the contrast of the whole situation, was just really really hard to take in. i literally had to calm myself, and realise it was just dream.

okay, im moving away from the point that i miss dreaming. i miss having those random change of scenes, meeting people you haven't met in a long time, and waking up to only fuzzy memories of what could be the best time of your life.

but yeah, recently, its just darkness. no signs, no happiness, no sadness, no scare. nothing.

i feel less rested and less satisfeied with my sleep. but maybe, i deserve this.

--

i wonder if anyone ever feels like this. this is a different point by the way. i wonder if anyone has ever felt like God is angry at them, or God is not satisfied with them. because i've been feeling this recently.

i could list out the possible reasons, because im not a very good person. but i would never know, i really wouldn't.

but the world is too hard to go through without faith. we all have seen the ugly side of the world and it would just be plain difficult to see it and not believe that there could be something greater to help the situation. i dont know what i'd do if i had nothing to pray to. every time something seemingly unsolvable comes to us, our immediate reaction would be to pray. what would i do without it? i would be more cynical towards things, i would believe less, i wouldn't believe that miracles could happen.

because i know, people are just people.

also, religion gives purpose in life. seriously, the set of morals they give it all just makes life more fulfilling. so even though, HYPOTHETICALLY, i repeat, HYPOTHETICALLY, God does not exist, i would still not regret holding on to faith. it's jsut better for my life. i would be doing worse things in the world if morals were not guarded by religion standing.

So, i'll just end of with, God, please forgive me.

God,

I think i haven't been a very good person. Sorry.

Ruzanna

Decisions are so confusing ):

Damnit, lets just hope this year im actually going to make one. unlike last year where i became some sort of wuss and backed out ): i should stick to it this year :)

lets just end with one thing...

open doors (haha, no one knows what this means, but thank you)

There are some things i just cannot do. call me square or self concious, but i cannot pon lectures no matter how useless i think they are to me. i dont know why, i cant explain, its probably those kind of subconcious nurturing that i never got over.

but it sucks to some extent because then i feel strangely alone.

anyway, haha, that's just an explanation to why i cant pon lectures, its not because im trying to push anyone away, i would if i could, walk out those doors with you, but somehow it doesnt come as easily ):

and i hope i can be accepted that way :)

moving on, new class, new dynamics, new wavelength, new everything. i dont know about the rest, but i dont feel very comfortable (yet) in my class. like ive known these people for two years, but i think there would still be this awkwardness. but hopefully it will all change!

so it was pretty much emo-nemo in the morning along with reflectiveness in the later part of the morning. BUT, haha, met my OG and we were having fun :) LOL, today was seriously epic.

today something happened but i totally remembered my new years resolution/psycho issue

1) Do not care about how other people are judging you if you think what you're doing is right. Im not going to be a pushover to feelings a person may or may not have.

So, im gna stick it out :D

SO, highlight of the day was spending time with my OG. hope i can see my TA peeps tmrw, its been one day away from them and i miss them like MAAAAD :)

Other than that, I feel like throwing :O

This is going to be a long one.

just to start things of, my cny was great. i wish it was more productive, but hey, you cant blame me. actually you can, but i dont want to blame me.

so first few days were spent with the malay peeps. havent hung out with them in really long, so it was all fun and MONOPOLY DEAL. finally learnt how to play. LETS just say i would never want to live in monopoly land. but it was not bad i guess, i won twice out of the millions of times we played. AND there was once i helped charmaine win lah. PLEASE.

also, when we went to the beach we noticed how many malays there were. yeah, so when the chinese go visiting the malays go out to play. it was seriously a sight to see. HAHA, with the countless of guitars, bbq-ed halal food and blaring radios. I AM NOT KIDDING. this seems to be the scene at every picnic mat.

so we went skating. i was so tired that when i boarded 31, i slept till tampines when i wanted to get off at tanah merah. the feeling was like 'SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT' cause i was really lazy to go back to tanah merah and then WALK home some more. and it was one of those days where the sun was seriously, no joke, merciless.

haha, but overall it was a fun holiday. got a lot of WOW shit done. cant say the same about maths though ): but i watched a lot of bones too. so it was satisfying :)

--

NEW NOTE: people shouldn't hurt other people. because that would just drive others to hurt them back. and that's when you begin a never-ending cycle of hurt. actually it could end, but it ends with major major hurt.

interpretations vs truth. the actions people do would be the facts. that is in fact what they did. why they did it, if we are not sure become merely assumption. the more things people do, the more assumptions we have on the person and soon it builds a story. this story then controls your perception of everything the person does.

but these perceptions and interpretations may not be true. what we know are only the actions. justifying them, no matter how well you know the person is a risk. because we dont know if it's true or not. it would all spiral into a circle of assumption which sucks because then there would be no room for change or improvement in the person. so in a way, everyone is misunderstood.

haha, i got all that from ayah after he came back from a leadership course. obviously i added some things of my own too. its an epiphany moment because somewhere in the back of you head you know this is happening. but when someone puts it into words for you, you cant help but go 'OOOOH'.

and you start seeing trends. i see our classroom dynamics, our team dyanmics , our family dynamics and you start realising things.

so, hope i gave you an epiphany moment. i dont think i explained it very well though.

but there are other things i think about that are somewhat related to this.

and this would be explaining my own problem. OH, i forgot, if you made it this far reading this post, i swear, i love you :)

haha, anyway, there are people who react towards certain things because of how they THINK people will feel or react to their actions. and these come from your own feelings when someone else does something similar, people disapproving such behaviour and what not.

and this is what makes me so insecure. the fact that if other people as well as myself would disapprove of a certain action, doing it will only cause them to hate me and what not.

so because of this, i live life thinking about how everyone else is thinking about me but then i realise its not nice living like this. why is there this need to be liked, or approved so to speak. am i that scared that if i were myself i would be hated. SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY.

and then all this while trying to please people i only end up hating myself.

so all this is nonsense and somewhat related to my previous post. haha, this year, im going to change because i need a change. and i need people to help me out with this change. haha, are you with me? :D

--

next part is equally deep. spiritually deep in a way.

sometimes you just start to think. God. he is the Harmer and yet he is the Most Merciful, he punishes and yet he is the Most Forgiving. these values seem conflicted in a way so im trying to see how all these values can be possible within one being. well here's what i've come up with:

1) Firstly, most importantly, he is God, who are we to question the extent of his greatness. with ease, he can perform all these values, maybe just in a way we cannot udnerstand. so to make it clear: im not questioning, im merely trying to understand :)

2) Secondly, i honestly believe it is to appeal to the different natures of people. some people need the fear of God to go to the right path. yet, some believe through the compassion of God. different people need different approaches. and i dont know why, in my gut, this is what i believe, even though there are obvious loopholes. haha, i wonder if someone can just tell me what's wrong with what im saying. i have a feeling its flawed, but i cant pinpoint the flaw.

3) Thirdly, maybe it all boils down to the intention of the person. if the person is genuine in asking for forgiveness, then God is all forgiving and merciful. but there needs to be a limit. people cannot just think that they'll be forgiven just by saying it. they need to feel sorry and genuine. and God can see through your intentions. so maybe, God can be allforgiving and merciful but at some point he has to punish people who do wrong and honestly dont feel bad about it. so it depends on the sincerity of the individual himself.

okay, this is where my mind has been in the past few days, i just needed to put them in words to make it more organized. haha, i feel so much clearer now. but my writing seems to be everywhere. haha, help me if you can.

--

LAST POINT: thank you for making it this far in my post. you seriously are awesome :)

Seriously, priorities can get very screwed up. But if you're not going to care, I'm not going to either ): It's just too hard working alone.

you know, im tired of doing this. im tired of telling everyone just bits and pieces of my thoughts. im sick of the fact that there are people i know if i tell anything to, would let let it out really easily. im angry at myself for being so insecure that i cant fully trust anyone. and im so sad that whenever i talk the only thing i can think about is how other people are judging me.

when did i get this insecure, seriously what happened in the span of three years?

whatever happened, its not the issue anymore. i am just waiting, for the one non-judgemental person, who when i talk to it doesnt seem like a chore, and would always make time for me and would never ever tell anyone else.

its just i know everyone's right now caught up in their own world. and i really cant blame them. and this doesnt change the fact that i love them.

but wouldnt it be nice to have that one person i can finally tell everything to :)

PS: IM NOT TALKING ABOUT A BOYFRIEND. just a friend, any kind of friend.